Still Thinking about Intentionality

The Heart of Connection

Last week, I wrote about speaking more intentionally—about slowing down, about choosing presence over panic. That small act—deciding to speak more clearly—wasn’t just about podcast quality. It was about showing up differently. And as it turns out, that shift doesn’t stop at the microphone.

Because if there’s one place intentionality is most needed (and often most neglected), it’s in our relationships.

I’ve been in enough therapy sessions to know that what we mean isn’t always what the other person hears. There’s often a gap between our intention and our impact, and that gap, left unchecked, can damage even the closest relationships.

I’ve said things in haste that landed differently than I meant. Sometimes I was trying to be helpful, but my tone came off dismissive. Other times, I was excited, but I bulldozed over someone who needed more space. My heart was in the right place, but the delivery didn’t land. That disconnect is something I’ve had to learn to own.

Why It’s So Hard

Intentionality in relationships requires more than good intentions. It requires slowing down long enough to consider how our words—and even our silence—might be received. And that’s not always easy. We’ve got habits. Reactions. Emotional shorthand with people we’re close to. We assume they know what we mean. Sometimes they do. But sometimes, they don’t.

Intentionality means asking, “What does this person need right now?” instead of “What do I want to say?” It means considering tone, timing, and context. And often, it means resisting the urge to just react.

And let’s be honest: that’s vulnerable.

It’s vulnerable to pause, to check in, to consider our own part in a disconnect. It’s easier to blame misunderstanding on the other person than to ask, “Could I have said that differently?”

But when we slow down and get curious instead of defensive, something shifts.

The Small Stuff Is the Big Stuff

Intentionality doesn’t have to mean grand gestures or long conversations (although those can be beautiful). It often shows up in the small things.

It’s remembering your friend has a big presentation and texting them good luck.

It’s choosing to make eye contact when someone walks in the door instead of half-nodding from your phone.

It’s asking a follow-up question instead of changing the subject.

And sometimes, it’s just showing up at all. Making the call. Sending the note. Asking how someone is—and meaning it.

Those things seem small. But when we experience them, we feel seen. And when we offer them, we build trust.

Practice, Not Perfection

You won’t always get it right. I don’t. There are days I’m tired, distracted, or stuck in my own head. There are moments I miss cues or fall back into old patterns. But I’m learning that intentionality isn’t about perfection. It’s about attention.

When we notice we’ve been reactive or distant or careless, we can choose to show up differently next time. Or even better—right now.

One thing that helps me is asking this question in moments of tension: “What’s more important—being right or being in relationship?” It’s a grounding reminder that most of the time, connection matters more than control.

Showing Up With Purpose

At work, intentionality might mean listening instead of mentally composing your response. It might mean giving credit where it’s due or choosing collaboration over competition.

In friendships, it might look like reaching out first or remembering the details that matter to someone else.

In romantic relationships, intentionality could be as simple as putting your phone down during dinner or checking in at the end of a long day.

And yes—even with strangers, there’s room for intention. A kind word. A patient tone. A little grace in the grocery line.

When we move through the world with that kind of presence, people notice. And often, they respond in kind.

This content is for educational and entertainment purposes and is not the same as therapy. If you need to talk to someone, go to PsychologyToday.com or one of the many online therapy platforms available and start treatment with a professional today!

For access to the weekly writing prompts, daily affirmations, and other exclusive content, consider becoming a paid subscriber!