The Weight of the Undone

Why we avoid things and what we can do about it

There’s this thing that’s been sitting in the back of my mind forever. You know the feeling: that nagging awareness of something important you keep putting off because it feels too big, too complicated, or too scary to face. It’s like carrying a stone in your pocket that gets heavier every day, even though the stone itself hasn’t changed.

Last week, I finally made the call I’d been avoiding. Within minutes of hanging up, I felt something I hadn’t experienced in a long time: genuine relief. Not the fleeting, distracted kind—but the deep, body-relaxing kind that comes when you realize the monster under the bed was just a pile of clothes. The issue isn’t resolved yet—it’ll take time and effort and discipline—but just taking that first step lifted a weight I hadn’t realized I was carrying.

It made me think about the peculiar psychology of avoidance and why we do this to ourselves. Why do we let things pile up in the corners of our minds, growing heavier and more intimidating with each passing day?

The Anatomy of Avoidance

As a counselor, I see this all the time—both in my clients and in myself. We avoid difficult conversations, paperwork, appointments, financial decisions—even the mailbox—for things that probably take less time and energy to handle than we spend worrying about them. But there’s always a reason.

Sometimes it’s fear. Fear of bad news, of judgment, of not knowing what comes next. Sometimes it’s perfectionism—if we can’t do it perfectly, we’d rather not do it at all. Sometimes it’s overwhelm; the task feels so tangled we don’t know where to start, so we don’t start anywhere.

And sometimes, it’s shame. We’re embarrassed that we let something slide so long, so we let it go even longer, creating a loop that feeds itself. The more we wait, the worse we feel. And the worse we feel, the harder it gets to begin.

Here’s what I’ve learned: the things we avoid often take up more mental space than they deserve. They run in the background like an open browser tab, constantly draining energy—even when we’re not thinking about them directly. We don’t realize how much of ourselves we’re spending on not doing something until we finally do it.

The Paradox of Action

And when we do act? It’s often anticlimactic. All that build-up, all that dread—and then you make the call or send the email, and it’s… just normal. No one gasps. The world doesn’t end. Often, people are helpful. Even kind.

The relief that follows isn’t just about solving the problem—though that helps. It’s about reclaiming mental bandwidth. It’s about reminding yourself that you can do hard things. That the scary thing wasn’t so scary after all. That you’re not stuck.

But I want to be clear: this isn’t about pushing yourself before you’re ready. Sometimes we need to wait. We need time, or support, or rest. The goal isn’t to shame ourselves into action, but to gently notice when avoidance is no longer serving us—and may, in fact, be controlling us.

Breaking the Spell

If you’re carrying your own version of that heavy stone, here are a few things that help me and the folks I work with:

1. Start smaller than small. Don’t commit to solving the whole problem. Just take one tiny step. Look up the phone number. Draft the email. Open the document. That’s enough.

2. Set a timer. Tell yourself you’ll work on it for just 15 minutes. Often, starting is the hardest part—and even if you stop after that, 15 minutes is still more than zero.

3. Get an accountability buddy. Tell someone what you plan to do. Not dramatically—just, “Hey, I think I’m finally going to schedule that appointment today.” That’s often enough.

4. Practice self-compassion. You’re not lazy or broken for avoiding hard things. You’re human. Avoidance is a protective instinct. Progress—not perfection—is the goal.

5. Name what you’re really avoiding. Sometimes it’s not the task—it’s the feelings we fear will come with it. Naming those feelings takes away some of their power.

The Freedom on the Other Side

What I’ve discovered is this: the relief of finally addressing something you’ve been avoiding isn’t just about checking a box. It’s about reclaiming agency. It’s about reminding yourself that you’re capable. It’s about freeing up energy for what actually matters.

The thing I finally handled last week still needs follow-up. But I’m no longer dragging around the weight of not starting. I’m not spending precious energy on avoidance. That energy is now available—for action, for rest, for life.

So if this brought something to mind for you—some unopened envelope, some lingering to-do, some hard conversation—maybe this is your nudge. Not to fix it all today. Just to start.

Because sometimes the most radical act of self-care is simply beginning.

This content is for educational and entertainment purposes and is not a substitute for therapy. If you need to talk to someone, visit PsychologyToday.com or any reputable online therapy platform to find support.

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