Birthdays and Boundaries

Setting boundaries is not selfish.

I had a conversation with a friend about her birthday this weekend.  I had no idea she had celebrated another year on earth. Like many people, she doesn’t like to make a big deal about these things, especially if the attention is on her.  But she was telling me (without using these words) how hurtful it was that her daughter had utterly ignored the day . . . and even called her to talk about her own upcoming birthday celebration the following week.  My friend called herself out; she said, “I overdid it with her, and now she is entitled and selfish.”  She has just accepted that her grown child always expects her to take care of their needs and to not even have any of her own.

Since I’m not her counselor, I didn’t say much. But because I am *a* counselor, I had to say something. So I said, “What if you tried to communicate your needs to them now?”  She waved me off. “I worry that she’d cut me out of her life if I said anything about it.”

I can’t imagine how scary and hurtful that must feel. And how disempowering it must be to not think you can ask for things in your closest relationships.  It made me wonder . . . how many of you struggle with boundary setting?  At home, at work, and even with yourself?

I think of a boundary as an emotional fence.  Sometimes fences are cute and decorative (like the ones I built for my island in Animal Crossing on my Switch this weekend.) Sometimes they are protective.  Sometimes they are dangerous - like barbed wire fences surrounding prisons or hazardous areas.  But those boundaries are there for the protection of not only the things inside but the stuff - and people - outside.

If you set no boundaries, you find other ways to protect yourself. You might become emotionally shut down. Or you get angry and don’t know why.  My friend has compensated by minimizing her own needs and overdoing it for the sake of being loved by others.  It’s exhausting.  And she will burn out eventually.  I’ve seen it time and time again.

When you set a boundary, you take ownership of your needs, wants, and feelings. Of course, setting healthy boundaries doesn’t mean you have no stake in other people’s problems. But it does mean that you’re not solely responsible for them. 

One of the reasons people avoid setting boundaries is that we misunderstand what they are. We falsely believe that genuine relationships are about giving ourselves selflessly to others.  We mistakenly think that boundaries are about distancing ourselves emotionally from a person. Women especially have been told that to be a good wife or a good mother means selflessly giving yourself up for the benefit of someone else. 

But there’s a reason why wives and mothers frequently end up burned out, demotivated, and even depressed. Giving yourself entirely to others is counter-productive. So let me say this louder for the people in the back: You cannot successfully help others for any length of time if you don’t have time for yourself.  An empty cup has nothing left to pour.

Healthy boundaries are also about having a good relationship with yourself.  Good self-boundaries prevent you from engaging in practices that don’t help or serve your best interests. For example, healthy self-boundaries prevent you from spending all your money on stuff you don’t need. But self-boundaries aren’t just about saying no. They’re also about saying yes to yourself by treating yourself with respect and adopting healthy self-care practices.

(No, I cannot go a whole week without mentioning self-care.  Sorry, not sorry.)

Do not think of boundaries as being purely restrictive. Instead, think about them as helping you positively to feel good, live according to your values, and enjoy healthy relationships with others.

This content is for educational and entertainment purposes and is not the same as therapy. If you need to talk to someone, go to BetterHelp.com or PsychologyToday.com and start treatment with a professional today!

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